She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
