You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Sober January is a disaster.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
