Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
