ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
