i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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