My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
