It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
