i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
