Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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