He is like the real live version of the state fair..
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
