We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
she smelled like a LAN party
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
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