sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
