Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
