I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
