Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
