This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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