DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
