her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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