i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Every concussion has its silver lining
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
