mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
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