im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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