i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
