Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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