You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
