He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Your cock deserves a montage
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
