I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Randomize
