Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
