What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Dick very happy bro
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
