totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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