we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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