I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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