Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Randomize