The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I think your dad took our porno
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
