Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
