Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
