My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
