you didnt know i had herpes?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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