If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
