Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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