Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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