dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
