they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
