I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
