it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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