1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
