Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I can't turn off my feet"
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
