Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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