I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
