i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
