He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
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