I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
