EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
So much rum. So many feels.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
