Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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