i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
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