He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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