When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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