well I can't set my house on fire every night
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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