i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
